For a long time I have wanted to share something with you, with my coaching clients, with the world. And, Im terrified at how you might hear what I have to say. So, please stay with me as I share. My hope is that these words will stir something within you to want to learn more.

In the news I see that Russian President Vladimir Putin sharply criticized the United States for what he said was an attempt to force its will on the world and that U.S. actions abroad have made conflicts worse. According to the article, he was not trying to provoke Washington, but rather extend an invitation for us to think about our actions on the world front.

I also see an article that the Palestinian unity government will not recognize Israel. Recognition of Israel is one of three conditions set by the "Quartet" of international Middle East negotiators for lifting sanctions on the Hamas-led government. The Quartet has demanded that Hamas renounce violence, recognize Israel and accept existing peace deals. Yes, the Quartet is demanding certain terms, but are they really talking in way that will encourage Hamas to join them at the negotiating table?

I see Palestinians using stones and Katushya rockets to get their point across. As a way to deter terrorism, Israel gets their point across by demolishing the homes of Palestinians whose relatives have blown themselves up since families are given a reward for their family members sacrifice. Is driving their point home with violence going to end this mess that has been going on for generations?

President Bush says we will not negotiate with Syria and Iran, even though the Iraq Study Group reported that the U.S. should begin engaging its enemies. "I believe in talking to your enemies," said the Iraq Study Group's co-chairman, James Baker. "I don't think you restrict your conversations to your friends." So, what should come first negotiating for change or change before negotiating? There is precedent. Both Nixon (with communist China) and Reagan (with the Soviet Union) opened negotiations with countries they saw as their enemy.

Just because we sit down with our enemies does not necessarily mean that we are rewarding bad behavior and approving of their violence. And, we cannot win against the tactics of guerilla warfare being used today. There is no way to defeat an army that is decentralized. There has to be another way. I dont profess to know what that way will be in the end, but I do know that the only way out is to talk and to find a way that will meet everybodys needs.

And, closer to home, my partner, Susan and I had a disagreement this past week about who was going to do the dishes. (Can you believe it?!) Do you think we were actually talking with each other? Or, were we just spouting words to justify our positions.

HELLO, is anybody talking! Why is nobody talking to each other!?!?

We have to talk!

I'm tired of the violence in the world. Are you? Albert Einstein once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Well, weve been doing the same thing for too long now and its time to do something different. We have to talk. And, I mean our leaders, the guy next door and yes, you. You have to sit down and honestly share what is going on for you and begin to hear what is going on for the person standing in front of you. It might take years or it might take minutes, but its gotta happen cause we aint gonna survive if we dont talk. We have to connect and we have to do it compassionately.

What is Compassion?

One definition of compassion is "a feeling of the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something about it". Notice that it does not say that you actually have to do something about it. It is more about the feeling than any action you might take. Another definition (which does not fit for me) is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering. Yuck! Do you see the difference between the two?

How do you have compassion? By being vulnerable and open to others. There is no shield or armor. Youre actually allowing others feelings in and they have an affect (or is that effect?) on you. Compassion is having someone be upset at you, and being still inside and honoring their experience. Compassion is getting your needs met not at the expense of others. OK. Thats what it is for me. What is compassion for you?

What is Connection?

In the context of relationships, connection is a need. Except for those who are a hermit living in a cave, we all value connection. Often, we want to connect with others in order to get some other need met. We share, we request, we empathize, all in the name of meeting needs.

What is Compassionate Connection?

Well, first of all its my business, but thats not what you came here to talk about. Compassionate Connection is about being powerful and authentic. You get to have what you want (without stomping your feet). You get to give to others (without giving up the farm). To powerfully express what is honestly going on for you in a way that is more likely to get all of our needs met.

As the great mystic poet Rumi said:

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other doesn't make any sense."

Copyright 2007
All rights reserved.
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Scott Lewis, MSW, CPCC   •    scott@LovingMeAndADD.com     •    651.442.9181