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Dealing with Upset | ||
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many adults with AD/HD, relationships can be quite a challenge. Here are two cases
in point. Your spouse
or partner is so dear to you. Yet, you get distracted from time to time. You want
to be loving and caring, but things can get out of hand in a moment’s notice.
All of a sudden you’re surprised to find that your partner is angry with
you and you’re not even sure what you did. Another scenario. You’re at work and a co-worker storms into your office. You’re late on an important project and you were hoping to have more time to complete it before the ball dropped. So, what do you do when you are surprised and your partner is upset? How do you respond to your co-worker so that there is as little fallout as possible?
In both situations, the answer is to get “over there”. Get "Over There"Getting “over there” means getting out of your own head and focusing on what is going on for the person in front of you. To deescalate the situation, help your partner or co-worker know that you hear them and care about their feelings. Yes, that is easier said than done. Often, we are angry about something they did to us. Or, we are worried about a deadline or some other concern. It is so worth it, though, if you really want to get beyond the upset and maintain your relationship. Here are some tips to help you get “over there.” a.. Guess what is going on for your partner so that he/she feels seen and heard. The words to say are: Are you feeling (upset, frustrated, anxious, etc.) because you want (our bills paid on time, the material ready for the meeting, etc.)? This is one way to show your partner that you care about what’s going on for them. b.. Here’s something to try to remember in the moment. The person in front of you is upset because of an action or behavior (or lack thereof) that triggered his/her feelings. Try to focus on the act rather than on what is being said about you. That way you'll be less likely to take it personally and more likely to stay connected. c.. Bring your focus to the words your partner is saying and away from any chatter that is going on inside your head. d.. If that doesn’t seem to be working, use this emergency get “over there” technique. Quickly, notice what color eyes your partner has. Now, go back to focusing on your partner. e.. If all else fails, don’t be afraid to share what’s going on for you. Often, being "transparent" can reconnect you with your partner and get you back “over there”. One way to say this is, “Gee, I’m feeling anxious because I really want to be with you and I ‘m sad that that’s not happening right now.” More Tidbits on getting “over there”a.. If both of you are upset, and you can’t seem to connect, take a time out. Tell your partner that you are going to take a 10 minute break. Then, do what you can to come back with a fresh perspective and a desire to connect. b.. If you keep talking over each other, use a “talking stick”. Pass an object back and forth so it is clear exactly whose turn it is to speak. c.. After the upset is over, review the situation by yourself and then with your partner. What could have been done differently? What would work better next time? d.. If you’re still stuck, then what? Well, you might speak with a friend or hire a coach to get suggestions from another viewpoint. Yes, that’s a plug for coaching.
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Scott Lewis, MSW, CPCC • scott@LovingMeAndADD.com • 651.442.9181
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